What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:08
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
How can I stop overthinking and take action more quickly?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I write beautiful poetry .
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Would this be the day?
What defines the k'vanna of the Book of בראשית?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What bait should you use for ocean fishing?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She married twice! .
All the time i was locked up.
Why do nice guys rarely or never win?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
How did Nickelback gain a large fan base despite criticism of their music?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why do men choose to marry a plain Jane woman over a pretty woman?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Are you happy that soon we will never hear from Kamala Jones again?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
One cannot live in the past .
My life is so biszare .
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When she asked me how she looked .
She loved him until the end.
Who then, do I blame.?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Ive learnt so much.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I said to her
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I will be 64.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
(And it was in our own minds.)
As i do to all so called friends.?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Comes on , in middle age.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She found it foreign!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
We were not on the streets..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was very sick at this time too.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was seconnd youngest,
I have no regrets .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
It was going to be , some day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Put me off passion for life!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was scared of men, in general
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My family never makes their pension either.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!